he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
