dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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