pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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