Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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