I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
