my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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