in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
