Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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