so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
