I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she looked like the before picture.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
