he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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