Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
