she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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