we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
