Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
