The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
