I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
