Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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