I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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