Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
