no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
