Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
