Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
