those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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