I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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