ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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