OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Pants are for mortals
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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