sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
