I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
