my being single is dangerous.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
