they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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