I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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