My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
