You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
