The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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