I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
