it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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