she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
