Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
