Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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