her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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