sarcasm needs its own font
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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