let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
