I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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