She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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