So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
