some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
