And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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