I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
