I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
