Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
