I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
