i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
