You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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