i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
