I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
