Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
